About the Track

• Added on 22 June 2022
• Description

  i've been struggling with dysthymia and bouts of major depression for as long as i can remember. i'm in a pretty intense depressive phase at the moment. i overslept lunch with my mom yesterday, forgot to set the alarm (my sleep schedule is pretty messed up, ranging from 20h a day to 2h since around 3-4 weeks). she was outside the apt building ringing the doorbell, i didn't hear it as i was sleeping on the couch - with noise cancelling headphones on. so she called me, but phone was on silent, vibrating peacefully and silently somewhere on a cussion. so she grabbed her key and came into the building, up to my floor and rang the doorbell again, me - nothing. she knocked on the door, same result. she tried to open the door - locked. so she took her key to unlock, but i had my key in the keyhole from the inside, so she couldn't unlock it. more doorbell, phonecalls, banging, etc. i heard nothing.

  she started calling around - my ex wife, my dad, etc. the panic spread. so everyone tried calling me dozens of times - all the while i was peacefully asleep listening to elliott smith, noise cancellation keeping the world out of earshot.

  my mom wanted to call the cops or firefighters to break down my door - she was very afraid that i killed myself... as i was dreaming of butterflies and rainbows or whatever. but my dad told her, thankfully, to just wait a few hours. i might resurface - and if not, i'll still be dead in the evening. so she left and waited.

  i awoke around 2-3h after all this, shocked as i looked at my phone - why the hell was it this late? why did i have dozens of missed calls?

  so i called my mom, then my dad and everyone involved and explained. calmed them down. said i was sorry. holy hell, as a parent myself, i understand how intense the fear for your children's safety can get.

  and then i got up and started writing this song. filmed for the fingering as i have no idea what things are called on a guitar tuned to open d.

  and then i listened back and realised this would only cause more panic, so i stopped working on it.

  and yet, here i am posting it anyway.

  don't worry about me, i'll be fine. and even if i won't: i'm not going to kill myself.

  🖤

• Year of creation 2022
• Label Shit Gospel
• Director Jonas Blumer
• 25 plays
• 185 downloads